A Father’s Day resistance movement is brewing out on social media.
It’s not new, but I’ve been watching it grow on my Facebook feed, more this year than ever.
In the past few days, some men have noted that our yearly fathers fest serves only to remind them they have no children. Others, male and female, have remarked that the hoopla serves only to trigger memories of fathers they never knew, who abused or abandoned them, who have died.
“Well,” one man posted, “here comes another fathers day. I would have liked to have known him.”
A commenter on that man’s post responded: “The older I get, the more I’m convinced that these made-up holidays often do more harm than good.”
Another Facebook friend, Steve Bogira, wrote that he wished there was a Parents’ Day instead of separate days for mothers and fathers. The division, as he see it, reinforces stereotypes of men and women and their parental roles.
“Still today, in 2018, society’s view relegates us largely to aloof and distant roles, as opposed to ones that involve actual nurturing,” he wrote.
He made his post after listening to a radio show that asked listeners to call in with the best and worst jokes your dad ever told you. He continued:
“‘How did your dad used to comfort you?’ I wish a radio show would ask. And yes, I know, in most families, mothers are indeed still the primary nurturer. But Mother’s Days and Father’s Days are among the multitude of banalities that keep us stuck in stereotyped parenting.”
To which one of his friends replied: “Not to mention heteronormative. Plenty of gay families with no dad or mom.”
All of that leads to the question: Is Father’s Day outdated?
A lot of people seem to love Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day), though probably fewer than the bubbly media coverage suggests. It can feel phony, like culturally enforced reverence, or, as Bogira says, stereotyped. Like any day that sets up expectations, it’s bound to disappoint many people.
Social media exacerbates the discomfort. Out in the social ether, where lives are compressed into a photo and a paragraph, Father’s Day can seem like a contest.
Best Dad Ever. Most Handsome Dad Ever. My Father, My Hero.
All those handsome, heroic dads parading through the ether can disturb people whose fathers fell far short of the ideal, or whose fathers are gone.
I don’t mind Father’s Day but I’m sympathetic to the resistance.
That’s why last Father’s Day I wrote a salute to all the good men who don’t have children, who help to hold other people’s kids and families together.
It’s why when I’ve written about my father, I’ve talked about his flaws. He was not the best dad ever, but he taught me important things and I loved him deeply, so for a couple of years after he died, I hated Father’s Day because it made me feel excluded.
For different reasons, it makes a lot of people feel excluded.
And yet it serves a purpose.
“It gives you a chance to call your dad and let him know you’re thinking of him,” said a man I know when I floated this notion past him. “For a lot of guys of my generation there wasn’t a lot of outward affection between sons and dads. I remember calling and (if I’m not just gauzing it over with sentimentality) thinking that saying happy Father’s Day was at least a way of showing that I loved him, since I would never come right out and say that.”
Should we need an official day for that? No. But many people use it that way.
I asked a gay friend, who is raising a son with his husband, how he felt about Father’s Day.
“This mostly comes up for us on Mother's Day,” he said. “We’ve sometimes rechristened it Mothering Day, so it's more about the role/function than it is about the gender. Same could be done for Fathering Day. My lesbian sister, for example, tends to do more ‘fathering’ than her partner.”
Despite his sensitivity to gender roles, though, he likes Father’s Day more than he once did, not because he wants to be honored but because it’s a nudge to honor his father.
“I have come to appreciate my own father’s fathering more since becoming a father,” he said. “He always took a bad rap — for teasing us, laying on expectations, instilling questionable ethics, etc. But he had a knack for passing along humor and wisdom and life-hacks (as they’d be called now) and for making sure we knew he was always on our side, all of which I try to do and all of which is not as easy as I’d have thought. So I think it's more like updated than outdated, at least for me.”
I like the notion of updating Father’s Day according to your own perceptions and preferences.
If it doesn’t mean taking dad to brunch or telling him you love him, take a moment in the day to reflect on your father, whoever he was. Or on what you think parenting means. Or on the way our gender-based ideas of parenting are shifting.
Or just go out and enjoy the day your way.
mschmich@chicagotribune.com
Twitter @MarySchmich
MORE COVERAGE:
Stevens: For Father's Day, reflecting on a dad who improves all that he touches »
Kass: What not to get dad for Father's Day »
9 lessons from my dad: Pop knows best »
Steak, brunch, whiskey and more Father's Day specials at Chicago area restaurants »
Stevens: A tribute to stepparents, who don't always know their place in this season of celebrations »
Father's Day 2018: Share these quotes and images with your dad.
Father's Day is typically celebrated on the third Sunday of June each year. This year, Father's Day will be celebrated on June 17, 2018 in most countries, including India. And while we know a mere 24 hours is not enough to honour our dads and father-figures, it's always nice to tell them how much we love and appreciate them. Whether you're planning to take your dad out for a meal at his favourite restaurant or going to shower him with handmade cards and gifts, we're sure your father will appreciate whatever you've got planned for him this special day. And, in case you can't find the right words to tell your father how much you admire and respect him, we've compiled a list of 10 inspiring quotes about the joys and struggles of fatherhood. These Father's Day quotes are perfect for you to share with him on Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp or - if you're going old school - a greeting card."Some people don't believe in heroes, but they haven't met my dad." - Unknown"To the world, you are a dad. To me, you are the world." - Unknown"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: He believed in me." - Jim Valvano"He adopted a role called being a father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a protector." - Tom Wolfe"A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow." - Unknown"A father is neither an anchor to hold us back nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light whose love shows us the way." - Unknown"To a father growing old, nothing is dearer than a daughter." - Euripides"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." - Charles Wadsworth"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms, even when his hands are empty" - Unknown"What you teach your children, you also teach their children." - Unknown Looking for Father's Day wishes and messages? Click here.How are you celebrating Father's Day this year? Let us know in the comments section. Happy Father's Day!Click for more trending news
This Father’s Day, men should take the left’s attacks on manliness as men should – with our chins raised and a warm, manly humor in our baritones as we point out all that is good in old-fashioned manliness.
The academic left accuses manly men of having “toxic masculinity.” They insinuate that manliness is to blame for the actions of sexist workplace monsters.
Instead of trying to understand the deep philosophy men of honor try to live up to, those on the left pretend manliness is only as deep as the phrase “man up.” As they do, they portray men in TV sitcoms mostly as cases of arrested development – beer-swilling, barely literate frat boys.
This sexist treatment of men is pervasive throughout the mainstream media and Hollywood-led popular culture. Even Microsoft Word’s thesaurus offers “chauvinist” as a synonym for “macho.”
To rip down the trusses of manliness, critics act as if back to antiquity legions of thinkers, soldiers and statesmen didn’t work to evolve the deep definition of what makes a good man, a man of honor.
Instead, the critics read sexism, misogyny and an Old World patriarchy into whatever remnants of manliness stubbornly hang on today.
The men, or whatever they call themselves, who buy into this ignorant and sexist treatment of an entire body of thought are left with what?
With nothing, that’s what.
Some young men, after being fed this nonsense at a university, start to search for answers outside the politically correct cannon. This is why Jordan Peterson is a YouTube phenom.
As these people turn against the “mainstream” they realize that honor and integrity aren’t toxic old-school notions we must dispel.
How can standing up to adversity with your chin stubbornly out and your back straight be a sign of toxic masculinity?
Should men who speak with authority – not with a talk-over-others arrogance, but with confidence and respect—be called “mansplainers?”
Must a man be meek in today’s office culture to survive?
Can a man even thrive in a competitive office environment if he must be weak?
Of course not.
Few women even think this way. This flawed reasoning is from the activists who refuse to even allow conservative women – people who’ve started business, lead huge corporations and more – into the feminist movement.
So why are we allowing women’s studies professors to be thought leaders in what makes men?
A real man, after all, fights for equality. Any man who has to put down women to prop up his own ego is too insecure to be a real man.
Also, how can men be the strong stand-up guys we need – the men who have the will and fortitude to call out the workplace monsters and to defend others (women or men) – if they are supposed to be weak and busy apologizing for their Y chromosomes?
The real shame of this dumbed-down treatment of manliness by the mainstream is that for this important #MeToo moment to achieve all it must, we need to not just call out the monsters, but also to differentiate the few fiends out there from the gentlemen.
After all, men without ideals, without a good gentlemanly archetypes to follow, are destined to be boys, or maybe cads, for life. Do women really want that? Do they even want to date such men?
The biggest thing I learned when working with Greg Stube on the book “Conquer Anything: A Green Beret’s Guide to Building Your A-Team” is that even men of honor – Special Forces soldiers who grew through years of specialized training and then fought for us – can come home disillusioned when the old ideal they were living up to, the ultimate warrior, fades away after their return to civilian life.
They were these trough dudes, men of honor and action, but suddenly they’re home and maybe wounded. They’ve taken off their uniforms and have to morph into something else. Many lose their way then.
We all must grow through the transitions between the chapters of our lives. But when men find themselves in an age when even their very ideals are deemed “toxic,” they’re more likely to get lost and to stay that way.
Smashing all our ideals doesn’t improve men. It leaves men without heroes and without a philosophy to follow. It is these things that grow men and women of consequence.
We need men of character more than ever now. So this Father’s Day let’s acknowledge that being a heroic man, a gentleman, is a deep and good thing.
Do you have a classic Dad Joke to share? What are your Fathers Day plans? Let us know in the comments below!!
(and if we've just reminded you that it's Fathers Day this weekend and you're rushing out now to buy a card, here are some very useful tips on What to write in your Father's Day card - and what should never appear on the front
