The Vikings brought in the hottest name in free agency, while the Bears reinforced for the passing game, while the Lions look to lift the run game out of the cellar. But will these moves be enough to keep the perennial favorite Packers out of the playoffs for a second straight year?
George Orwell said that sports are based on war, and Sun Tzu said that war is based on deception. From the rope-a-dope to the fumblerooski, sports are just as firmly rooted in trickery. Occasionally that extends beyond the field of play.
On Thursday night, Ichiro Suzuki sneaked into the visitor’s dugout during Seattle’s game at Yankee Stadium. Ichiro, who retired from the Mariners midseason and immediately took a front office job with the team, is barred from being in the dugout during games because MLB rules are stupid. Ichiro, who played for the Yankees from 2012 to 2014, took a break from his home run derby campaign and found an innovative way around this problem. (He left by the second inning.)
In honor of Ichiro’s mustachioed high jinks bringing the shadow art of sports deception into the sunlight, let’s honor some of the best moments when sports figures have used disguise — either for themselves or their intentions — to their benefit.
Bobby Valentine’s Original Mustache Switcharoo
Two weeks and 18 years ago, Bobby Valentine became the original fake mustache connoisseur. The Mets manager was ejected in the top of the 12th inning, and shortly afterward a man looking a lot like Valentine made an appearance in the Mets dugout.
Marshawn Lynch Gets Ejected, Watches Game in the Stands
In last season’s Week 7 tilt between the Kansas City Chiefs and Oakland Raiders, Raiders running back (and local legend) Marshawn Lynch ran onto the field during a scuffle to calm down his friend and then–Chiefs cornerback Marcus Peters.
Marshawn Lynch has been ejected from tonights game after running onto the field and pushing an official #TNF #RaiderNation #KCvsOAK pic.twitter.com/1RQ2ZbjzCr — Next Man Up (@spottingboard) October 20, 2017
The referees ejected Lynch for making contact with an official. Initial reports indicated he had left the stadium, but photographic evidence proved otherwise.
Marshawn is up in the stands. Living legend.
"I'm really, really from Oakland doe" pic.twitter.com/2xhV3oDjPt — Laces Out (@LacesOutShow) October 20, 2017
The Athletic confirmed that Lynch watched the rest of the game from the stands. Lynch, true to his Bay Area roots, took the BART home after the game.
Draymond Green Watches the NBA Finals Next Door
You might think the defining play of the 2016 NBA Finals was LeBron’s epic block or Kyrie Irving’s lead-taking 3-pointer. It was actually Draymond Green’s [checks official NBA suspension language] “retaliatory swipe of his hand to [LeBron’s] groin” that swung the series.
Green was suspended for Game 5 and barred from Oracle Arena. The Warriors still led the series 3–1. Green wanted to join the postgame celebration if Golden State won the game, and the Oakland Athletics offered a creative solution. Green could watch the Warriors game in a suite at the neighboring Oakland Coliseum during the Athletics’ game that night. If the Warriors won, Green could hustle to the Warriors locker room via an underground tunnel that connects the two buildings. (He turned down the chance to throw the opening pitch, but the Oakland crowd raucously celebrated his appearance anyway.)
The Warriors obviously didn’t win the game or the series, but if they had prevailed in Game 5, Green emerging from a secret tunnel driving a golf cart full of champagne would have been the peak of the Warriors’ dynasty.
End Zone Camouflage
Even more impressive than deceiving your way onto the sideline is making your opponents forget you’re on the field.
Football has many hiding techniques, but the best is when a player lies down in the end zone, using the matching colors of his jersey and the end zone as camouflage. The returner takes it to the far side of the field before lateraling it all the way back to the other player, who emerges seemingly out of nowhere. The Eagles used it for a trick-play touchdown in 2012, and Kansas dusted it off in 2016.
Sun Tzu has never been prouder of a special teams coordinator.
South Korean Soccer Manager Uses Counterespionage Against Swedish Spies
Shouts to Ichiro for inspiring this conversation, but he isn’t even the best example of sports deception this month. Earlier this month, Sweden sent a scout to spy on South Korea’s men’s national soccer team, their first-round opponent, which was holding training camp in Austria. First the scout tried to sneak into their practices by pretending to be a tourist. No dice. The Swedish counterintelligence apparatus is famous for never giving up, so of course the scout ascended into the Austrian mountains and convinced a couple to let him use their house to spy on South Korea’s practices with a telescope.
When head coach Shin Tae-yong got suspicious (maybe because some tourist who insisted on watching their practices was cooing like a bird in the distant mountaintops), he responded with trickery of his own. He told his players to swap jerseys.
“We switched them around because we didn’t want to show our opponents everything and to try and confuse them,” Shin told Reuters. “They might know a few of our players, but it is very difficult for Westerners to distinguish between Asians and that’s why we did that.”
Sweden won the group stage match 1–0, but South Korea won the battle being waged in the shadows.
This week gave us just a glimpse of the wide-ranging personalities mascots can bring to sports. During the World Cup, Japan’s ennui-filled frog mascot chronicled his sightseeing adventures around Russia. It was incredibly engrossing, even if we felt sorry for poor Ippei-kun.
Then on the other spectrum, the Phillie Phanatic injured a fan by hitting her in the face with a hot dog.
Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured — and she said it was totally fine to laugh about the incident. But if you ever had suspicions about Mr. Phanatic, he only confirmed your worst fears.
And surely you have — the Phillie Phanatic has been sued more than any other mascot and he looks like he’s wearing a suit made of all the muppets he killed. But he’s not the only mascot that give us the wiggins. Here are the ones we wouldn’t let near us, especially if they were equipped with a giant hot dog cannon.
Blue, the Colts’ horse (?) mascot
Reason No. 1:
He claims to be a horse, but have you ever seen a blue horse? Or a horse that looks like a distant cousin of Sulley from Monsters Inc? Or a horse that probably murdered an air dancer and then stuffed its arms up his nostrils like a trophy?
Reason No. 2:
Enjoys humping the air waaaaay too much, made even more disturbing by the look in his eyes that’s devoid of any emotion whatsoever:
Reason No. 3:
His anger management issues run from mustache-twirling villainous (shoving kids!) to hilariously vengeful (knocking Pat Patriot around).
Whether he’s just mischievous or full-on sociopathic, my advice is to never turn your back on Blue — and stay at least 50 feet away so he can’t thrust in your personal space.
— Sarah Hardy
Orbit
Dude, Orbit. What the hell.
(Update: It was an ostrich, but its face was turned the other direction. Sorry for the confusion.)
— Grant Brisbee
Big Red
I love Big Red, and it’s cool that Big Red self-identifies as Big Red and nothing other than Big Red, but I’m not going anywhere near Big Red.
— Jason Kirk
Providence Friar
Look at that face, but not for too long lest you lose all semblance of who you are as you spiral into self doubt and your soul leaves your body. The expression of despair never changes, and you could not pay me to go within 10 feet of that horrible monster.
— Caroline Darney
Pierre the Pelican
We can all agree that King Cake Baby is the creepiest mascot in the NBA. The Pelicans really locked that title down the first time he it stepped foot on the court. But what I’m here to posit is that King Cake Baby has made us all blind to the intense creepiness of their other, every day mascot: Pierre the Pelican.
Not even the original Pierre, which was truly the stuff of Stephen King novels. But this new one too.
Doesn’t his beak just seem a little too big? His eyes a little too dark still? His fists a little too clenched? What are you hiding, Pierre? Behind this less creep version of yourself. I don’t trust him. There’s something unsettling here and King Cake Baby is just taking the attention away from who we should really be skeptical about.
— Whitney McIntosh
Jazz Bear, the Utah Jazz mascot
Ok it literally picked up a child one time and threw it over his shoulder and walked down the sideline of a game while it was live.
Also wondering where the Jazz Mascot is going with this child pic.twitter.com/MDkn4r60wC — Born Salty (@cjzero) November 29, 2017
— Matt Ellentuck
The Oregon Duck
As a former mascot — my career has officially been declassified — I was always in awe of the sheer amount of pushups The Duck would complete during games. Chip Kelly’s offense used to put up 60 points every Saturday. As Spencer Hall reported a few years back, The Duck did 179 pushups one Saturday. That’s bonkers.
But underneath his glory, I knew there was something about The Duck that was suspicious. It turns out, back in 2007, The Duck got in a huge fight with the Houston Cougars mascot, Shasta.
Never trust a mascot that body slams another mascot. Period.
— Isaac Chipps
Saint Louis Billiken
Why would I trust the frat Voldemort of sports mascots?
Nope. Absolutely not.
— Adam Stites
The Wichita State Shocker
He’s got the hair of a sociopath and the outfit of a 1950s workout guru.
— Christian D’Andrea
Harry the Hawk
I’m in first grade. We’re in P.E. He’s on a unicycle, and falls right on six-year-old me.
Simple as that, can’t trust him.
— Harry Lyles Jr.
Demon Deacon
I mean, my guy’s got “Demon” as a qualifier in his name. Right off the bat, not a great look. And like the Providence Friar above, his soulless, black eyes, oversized chin and smug face suggest something sinister bubbling just underneath the surface. In fact, he’s always kind of reminded me of someone with similar qualities...
i don't know which one to shoot pic.twitter.com/JREutNpE9F — Ryan Simmons, The Ding Dong Daddy from Dumas (@rysimmons) December 12, 2017
— Ryan Simmons
So which mascot do you not trust? Which one haunts your dreams? Which one do you think DEFINITELY has a collection of fingers stashed in a nondescript box under his bed? Let us know in the comments — if you’re not too scared.
