Photo: CW
In addition to fighting serial killers and wearing seasonally confusing clothing, the teens of Riverdale like to spend their time making music. They sing. They do cheer routines. They stage talent shows. They long for musical careers! And this week, they’re even putting on a musical. If we’ve learned anything from the rest of Riverdale’s musical performances, it’ll be both needlessly dramatic and oddly sexual.
To help prepare for whatever Kevin Keller’s production of Carrie: The Musical may bring, we went back through all of the show’s previous musical numbers — only scenes where characters actually perform a song for an audience, no sad guitar strumming, Archiekins — and ranked them by the most important factor in this wild television series: How horny are they, exactly?
13. Josie and the Pussycats, “Our Fair Riverdale” (Season 1, Episode 11)
This is your standard alma mater jam, which means it has as much sexual energy as the Pythagorean theorem.
Horniness quotient: So low that the CW didn’t even bother putting the video online.
12. Archie, “I’ll Try” (Season 1, Episode 6)
Archie sings his very own song at the talent show and emotes with all the force of someone who really just wants to be understood. It’s more sweet that horny, but like any college freshman trying to convince the world of his emotional depth with a guitar and a song that resembles “Wonderwall,” it’s also a little horny.
Horniness quotient: Like guy on the quad who just wants to stare deeply into your eyes, it’s not quite horny.
11. Josie and the Pussycats, “All Through the Night,” (Season 1, Episode 1)
This synth-pop morphine drip is a pretty sultry Cyndi Lauper outing, but the Pussycats can only elevate its seduction so much at the first school dance of the year — mostly because the song was dedicated to Jason Blossom. Who, you know, was murdered by his dad.
Horniness quotient: Oh God, now we’re thinking about Jason’s dad again. Murder is not sexy!
10. Archie, Veronica, and Josie and the Pussycats, “Share It With You” (Season 1, Episode 13)
As the first season came to an end, the dream team of Josie and the Pussycats ft. Veronica and Archie united for this sweet little melody about sharing things with each other. It’s pretty sedate — parents are watching and smiling! — but also about sharing their love and their hearts with each other.
Horniness quotient: As much sexual tension as you’d get from the average picnic.
9. Veronica and the Pussycats, “Union of the Snake” (Season 2, Episode 11)
Get it? They’re hoping this Duran Duran classic will help parlay a union between the Southside Serpents and the non-gang-related townsfolk, but if that doesn’t work, Veronica can also do some belly-dancing arm movements and call it a day.
Horniness quotient: We give this three out of ten Le Bons. There’s some weird sexual energy in this gazebo, but we just can’t explain why.
8. Josie and Veronica, “Bitter Sweet Symphony” (Season 2, Episode 12)
On the one hand, it’s bad idea to try to outdo Cruel Intentions at its own sad, sexy teen game, especially if you’re also staging your scene in a church. On the other, inserting the Verve into the middle of a confirmation ends up being a gloriously ridiculous little homage. Have a character hide jingle jangle in a cross, Riverdale!
Horniness quotient: How horny is God? Don’t answer that.
7. Archie and Veronica, “Kids in America” (Season 1, Episode 11)
These horndogs decide to perform Kim Wilde’s one-hit wonder at yet another school dance, mostly to taunt the other students with their burgeoning romantic and sonic connection.
Horniness quotient: The student-parent crowd is far more focused on its wholesome, synchronized whoa-ah! arm movements than grinding, giving Varchie the perfect outlet to get their flirt on. These two can make anything horny!
6. Josie and the Pussycats, “All for Me” (Season 1, episode 3)
Josie and the Pussycats’ original song is all inchoate teenage rebellion, with short dresses and dim lighting and swaying and leather. It’s not quite fully formed, but it definitely has a vibe.
Horniness quotient: [Giggles.] [Sways.] [Laughs.]
5. Josie and the Pussycats, “Sugar Sugar” (Season 1, Episode 2)
The Pussycats are joined by the River Vixens — fantastic squad name, by the way — for a little halftime song-and-dance routine to pump up the crowd for sports reasons. And by “little halftime song-and-dance routine” we mean “gyrating in short skirts” and “adding groovy hip-hop beats to ’60s standards.”
Horniness quotient: A master class in transforming a genuinely saccharine song into a soft-core cheerleading extravaganza for teens.
4. Josie and the Pussycats ft. Veronica, “I Feel Love” (Season 1, Episode 6)
The teens opt for full catsuits for this take on Donna Summer, which comes with some very dramatic hand choreography. There’s a lot of swaying and making googly eyes at the audience, which is awkward because the audience is mostly parents.
Horniness quotient: Far too horny for a school event.
3. Josie and the Pussycats ft. Veronica, “Out Tonight” (Season 2, Episode 5)
What song should you perform for your parents’ business events? How about Rent’s ode to breaking rules and staying up late? Using the lyrics from the film version, for some reason, Josie, Veronica & Co. perform with all the intensity of 30-year-olds who would actually know and remember Rent.
Horniness quotient: Too horny to pay rent.
2. Josie and the Pussycats ft. Cheryl, “Milkshake” (Season 2, Episode 2)
The town’s idea for saving its beloved greasy spoon involves the one thing that’s guaranteed to sell: sex appeal, baby! All the Pussycats have to do is croon Kelis’s innuendo-laden tune in booty shorts, and the customers came to the yard — er, Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe — in no time.
Horniness quotient: As horny as skipping last period to get to second base under the bleachers — hey, wait a second. How’d these three get on the building’s awning? This is a safety hazard!
1. Archie, Veronica, and Betty, “Mad World” (Season 2, Episode 8)
This Gary Jules cover has everything. Archie and Veronica refusing to finish their verse as a singing collective. Betty jumping in to save the day, and then proceeding to do the most depressing striptease in the hopes of seducing her boyfriend and receiving general gang acceptance. But, of course, Jughead isn’t too happy about it, although his father seems pretty jazzed, if we’re being honest.
Horniness quotient: Everyone’s gonna need some serious therapy.
Photo: Katie Yu/The CW
Riverdale Chapter Thirty-One: A Night to Remember Season 2 Episode 18 Editor's Rating 5 stars Complete Series Coverage
It is a testament to the craziness level established by Riverdale that an episode full of singing, both diegetic and not, feels utterly natural. The cast of Kevin’s production of Carrie: The Musical sings “In” through their morning routines (not quite gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal, but not that far off, either), cheerleading practices, and even an unspecified theater warm-up that is almost certainly Zip Zap Zop. Most of the major characters lend their pipes to the effort, with the notable exception of Jughead, whom Kevin assigns to film a behind-the-scenes documentary.
Cheryl is our Carrie White, Veronica plays mean girl Chris Hargensen, and Chuck Clayton of sticky maple infamy — joining the play in an attempt to rehabilitate his image, but who genuinely does seem reformed — plays her boyfriend, Billy Nolan. Joining her second age-inappropriate extracurricular after the Blue & Gold, Alice Cooper will be Carrie’s abusive mom. Betty is cast as good girl Sue Snell and Archie as her boyfriend Tommy Ross, portrayed in the 2013 movie version by Ansel Elgort. Here is an extremely good idea for my good pals, the creators of Riverdale: Please let season three feature the making of an in-universe movie based on the Black Hood murders, very much along the lines of Stab in Scream 2, and cast Ansel as Archie. And please make my check out to “cash.”
Haters will say it’s photoshopped, but Cheryl demonstrates just how capably she can handle the lead role by belting the hell out of “Carrie” in the requisite pink-satin prom dress (and almost unrecognizable in an un-bold lip!). Her performance is rewarded by both a standing ovation from her castmates and a falling sandbag that nearly crushes her. Kevin finds a threatening letter in his locker, demanding the role of Carrie be recast — from, supposedly, the Black Hood himself. He swears Jughead to secrecy about this “prank,” but Jughead nevertheless immediately tells Betty about this “classic Phantom of the Opera tactic.” She reasonably suspects ensemble member Ethel “Barb” Muggs, who has been openly hostile to Cheryl and insists that she was “born” to play Carrie.
Fred, happy that Archie is getting back into music (that makes one of us) and spending less of his time as a Webelo Mafia scout, volunteers the services of Andrews Construction to build sets. But Archie hasn’t told his dad about the Firebird convertible that Hiram bought for him, so for now, he’s keeping it in the Pembroke parking garage. Rich Dad — eager for the family of his wife’s election opponent to drift farther apart — spills the secret to Poor Dad, who takes the news poorly, dadmasculated.
My biggest complaint about this episode is that Riverdale didn’t just shoot an entire continuous production of Carrie for me to watch, because the glimpses we do get are so enjoyable. “Do Me a Favor” is a standout, and the ‘70s looks — particularly Betty’s Farrah Fawcett hair and Veronica’s bell-bottoms — are all great. Veronica’s casting as a manipulative, spoiled rich girl with a low-key Electra complex is pretty on the nose, as Betty cattily points out. But the two best friends make amends by singing “You Shine” at each other. Cheryl apologizes to Josie — playing the role of Miss Gardner, the gym teacher — for her past creepiness mid-duet of “Unsuspecting Hearts.” It’s true: Show tunes are magical enough to make you forgive someone for gifting you a bloody pig heart.
Before long, Kevin finds another letter in his locker: “Next time the sandbag won’t miss.” He wants to recast the lead role for Cheryl’s safety, but she refuses to bend to “thespian terrorism.” Alas, she has more fearsome enemies to contend with than the Black Hood. Students need parental approval to participate in extracurricular activities, and Penelope Blossom won’t allow it — especially given that this particular musical has a “matricidal revenge fantasy” at its core. And so the part of Carrie goes to … Midge, a person I forgot exists, whom Kevin appointed Cheryl’s understudy after the sandbag incident.
In her unmistakable Horny Serpent Alumna uniform, a snake-print blouse and leather jacket, Alice stops by Pop’s to invite F.P. to see the musical. He’s cold to her; she’s clearly hurt. At rehearsal and in character as Mrs. White, Alice sings about how people inevitably leave her — until she begins using her IRL daughter’s name, and it becomes clear that this is now Alice in character as … Alice. “Don’t leave me, Betty,” she pleads tearfully from the stage. “Don’t leave me like all the others.”
Moved by her mom’s public meltdown, Betty secretly invites her father (booooooo, get off my damn screen, Hal) to make amends. He arrives the morning of opening night bearing bouquets for both his daughter and estranged wife, and then asks Alice if he can come home. She reveals to him that he isn’t Chic’s father (so who is, woman?), but even that doesn’t deter Hal, who says he’d always suspected as much. He still wants to get back together.
Archie is surprised and touched to find his dad hard at work loading in sets, even after their disagreement (and even though a Hermione Lodge campaign ad occupies the entire back page of the Carrie program). With that, Archie returns the Firebird keys to Mr. Lodge, telling him not get between him and Fred. He even sells some of his old music stuff (sell it all, Archie) to buy an extremely beat-up rustmobile for the two of them to restore together.
Cheryl may have lost her dream role, but there’s no reason why she can’t allow life to imitate art. Dressed in her Carrie prom dress and doused in a fitting amount of blood, she confronts her mother, candelabra in hand. The next blood to be spilt will be Penelope’s, Cheryl warns — she demands to be emancipated, and to claim Thistlehouse for herself and Nana Rose alone. Don’t worry, Penelope. Maybe you and Uncle Father Fester can find a place in Sunnyside Trailer Park! Speaking of: F.P. shows up at the theater after all, only to see Alice warmly greeting her trash husband from stage. He leaves before she notices him.
With minutes to go before showtime, a few strange things happen, all of which will become significantly more suspicious in retrospect once the curtain rises: Assistant director Fangs is spotted giving Midge “last-minute notes,” alone in her dressing room. (Hmm.) In Ethel’s dressing room, Jughead finds the trash filled with magazines with random letters cut out, though she insists they’re for her “vision board.” Midge’s boyfriend Moose, heated about something, nearly knocks Jughead over in the hallway. And Chic, a bad omen in the shape of a human boy, is seen wandering around backstage.
Carrie seems to be a smash hit, so congrats on somehow not getting your arts funding slashed, Riverdale school district. But then an onstage wall rises to reveal Midge dead — or at least, having an extremely bad day. She’s been impaled with knives and scissors, pinning her to a wall that bears a message written in her own blood: “I am back from the dead. All those who escaped me before will die.” It’s signed “B.H.”
If Barbara Hershey, Bill Hader, bell hooks, the late Billie Holiday, and Bryce [Dallas] Howard can all conclusively prove they weren’t in Riverdale on opening night, I think we have a pretty solid idea of who we’re dealing with here.
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What will happen in Riverdale season 2, episode 19? Episode 19 is called Prisoners and it looks like the writers have taken their cue from the Oscar-nominated 2013 Hollywood film of the same name starring Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal. Riverdale episode Prisoners will be airing in America on The CW on Wednesday, April 25. Netflix will then be releasing the episode at 8am the next day (Thursday, April 26) for UK viewers to catch up on. The CW has released a plot synopsis for the next instalment in season two, which reads: “After an incident at Riverdale High leaves the town on edge, Archie (played by KJ Apa) leads the charge to uncover the culprit. RIVERDALE SEASON 3 NETFLIX RELEASE DATE, CAST, TRAILER, PLOT
“Meanwhile, the reveal of a devastating secret leads to a violent showdown between Chic (Hart Denton), Jughead (Cole Sprouse), Betty (Lili Reinhart) and Alice (Madchen Amick). “Elsewhere, Veronica (Camila Mendes) takes matters into her own hands when someone from her past comes to town seeking revenge. “Finally, Hermoine (Marisol Nichols) and Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) conspire to take down Sheriff Keller (Martin Cummins). “Luke Perry, Ashleigh Murray, Mark Consuelos, Skeet Ulrich and Casey Cott also star. Jennifer Phang directed the episode written by Cristine Chambers.” A trailer for the forthcoming episode shows the residents of Riverdale attending the funeral presumably of Midge Klump (Emilija Baranac), who was brutally murdered by the resurrected Black Hood killer in A Night To Remember. WILL THERE BE ANOTHER SEASON OF RIVERDALE?
CW Riverdale season 2, episode 19 will see the mystery deepen around Black Hood
CW Cheryl will be trying to find out the truth about Black Hood in Riverdale season 2, episode 19
Amid the tragic scenes, cheerleader Cheryl warns Sheriff Keller: “Your days are numbered.” Meanwhile, Archie is seen running through the streets of Riverdale. Who is he running away from? Is he being chased by Black Hood? As the preview continues, it appears that Jughead and Betty have gone to pay the Sisters of Quiet Mercy a visit. Again the scene changes and Veronica looks horrified as she opens a safe and finds a wad of cash. What has she stumbled upon? HOW MANY EPISODES ARE IN RIVERDALE SEASON 2?
CW Sheriff and Kevin Keller will be left concerned by Black Hood in Riverdale
Riverdale's most shocking moments so far Mon, January 15, 2018 Riverdale 2: The shows most shocking moments so far. Play slideshow Netflix 1 of 15 Riverdale's most shocking moments so far
