Barbara Bush’s decision to stop aggressive treatment for lung and heart disease at 92 is a valiant one. Her condition has worsened over the past year, leading to a recent series of hospitalizations. Now she is facing death with fortitude, courage and realism. She should inspire everyone in the medical arena, doctors and patients alike.
Palliative care is often unpopular, especially with diseases not commonly thought of as terminal. I was resistant to the concept the first time I saw a palliative-care team approach someone...
Former first lady Barbara Bush speaks to an interviewer from C-SPAN in Houston in 2013.
HOUSTON - During an interview five years ago, former first lady Barbara Bush spoke about her faith and how she uses it to face death.
Bush is resting at her Houston home, surrounded by her family, after news on Sunday that she is in failing health and has declined further medical treatment.
In the 2013 interview with C-SPAN, Bush described her faith as private and prayerful.
“I pray,” Bush said. “George and I pray every night, out loud, and sometimes we fight over whose turn it is, but we do.”
Bush said that her faith helps her face the end of her life, which she admitted was approaching.
“I have no fear of death, which is a huge comfort because we’re getting darn close,” Bush said. “I don’t have a fear of death for my precious George, or for myself, because I know that there is a great God, and I’m not worried.”
To watch the entire interview with Bush, go to c-span.org/video.
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In the spirit with which we mark life's other landmark events, I would like to wish former first lady Barbara Bush a peaceful passing.
Mrs. Bush is nearing the end of her long and eventful life. It's reflective of her characteristic candor that this was made public Sunday, when her family announced that she will no longer accept medical treatment other than palliative care.
Death is natural, but the systemic breakdowns that often lead up to it can be wrenching. According to a family spokesman, Mrs. Bush has been less concerned for herself than for her family.
“Barbara Bush has been a rock in the face of her failing health, worrying not for herself — thanks to her abiding faith — but for others,” said spokesman Jim McGrath.
That is grace. It's class.
The catchall category “political wife” is too dismissive for Mrs. Bush — really, it's too dismissive for anybody, but she was an undisputed personality in her own right. The directness that contributed to her public popularity was, by some accounts, sometimes blistering for those who felt its full force from up close.
Her family calls her “The Enforcer,” a term reportedly coined by her son, the former president and Dallas resident George W. Bush (yes, for present purposes, those are in descending order of importance).
“I'm in my 30s, but my grandmother's words and reprimands can still sting, making me tear up and sniffle like a child,” wrote Jenna Bush, recounting an anecdote about Mrs. Bush sending her a tart note for showboating during a family tennis match. “That is my grandmother: exacting and determined to protect the ones she loves.”
Now 92, Mrs. Bush came of age in an era during which women often were not permitted to speak their own minds, and certainly not in the — to mix a garish metaphor — hothouse fishbowl of American politics.
Maybe, after weathering a turn as first lady (possibly the worst, most thankless, most ill-paid and overscrutinized quasi-job in government), the steady downward drift of failing health has been easy to weather. But I doubt it.
Rational science and human decency have done much to ease the end of life. Hospice programs provide a framework to ease pain and to help often bewildered families navigate the transition; enlightened doctors understand when the definition of “heroics” shifts from prolonging life to making the most of what remains.
Culturally, we haven't done as well. Death, the experience that every single one of us will share, remains a scary mystery. Families conceal its approach, as if it were a shameful secret. In our simple-minded obsession with “winning” and “strength,” death equates with “losing,” the ultimate weakness.
We would be happier people if we wised up.
“We've lost the rich wisdom of normal human dying,” writes British palliative care specialist and author Dr. Kathryn Mannix. “It's time for us to talk about dying and reclaim this wisdom.”
My sister-in-law lost her own cherished mother, who was in hospice care in Baton Rouge, La., on Sunday. It was a passing with grace and meaning, as a network of family and friends created a spontaneous support base.
“What an incredible gift the past 12 days have been,” writes my sister-in-law, Carlen Pool Floyd, in a pitch-perfect tribute. “I am so proud to be from a place where both life and death are celebrated, where people open their hearts and homes to you, offering to wash your clothes, give you a place to sleep, or bring you something to eat. My mom embodied the very best of these South Louisiana values.”
Today, I read a lot of comments written in admiration of Mrs. Bush that include the caveat “even though I didn't agree with her husband/son's politics ...”
Well, she didn't always agree with them either. Let me offer my admiration without planting a political flag here — in no small measure because she frequently offered inspiring proof that successful marriages do not require political agreement.
In making that simple announcement that Mrs. Bush is ready to limit medical treatment to “comfort care,” she and her family are offering a measure of comfort to all of us: This is life too. This is acceptance.
It's just possible that Mrs. Bush, for all her directness (or maybe because of it) had a rare and uncanny ability to recognize what would matter most in that final stage long before she got there.
“Cherish your human connections: your relationships with family and friends,” she advised graduates when she delivered the commencement address to the Wellesley College class of 1990.
These were high-powered young women about to embark on meaningful careers, and Mrs. Bush congratulated them. And then she added:
“You've had impressed upon you the importance to your career of dedication and hard work. And, of course, that's true. But as important as your obligations as a doctor, a lawyer, a business leader will be, you are a human being first. And those human connections ... are the most important investments you will ever make.
“At the end of life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or a parent.“
I suspect Mrs. Bush has little to regret, maybe because she has kept that essential truth close.
It's valuable how-to advice, a parting gift. We should take it to heart.
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Jacquielynn Floyd is a columnist for The Dallas Morning News.
Join the discussion on Twitter @Trib_Ed_Board and on Facebook.
CLOSE Grief doesn't hit everybody the same way. And people deal with it differently. But Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband Dave Goldberg died unexpectedly in 2015, thinks there are some things all grieving people share. Time
In this March 29, 2015, file photo, former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara Bush, left, speak before a college basketball regional final game between Gonzaga and Duke, in the NCAA basketball tournament in Houston. A family spokesman said on April 15, 2018, that the former first lady Barbara Bush is in "failing health" and won't seek additional medical treatment. (Photo: David J. Phillip, AP)
There is no easy way to prepare for the passing of a loved one, something the family of Barbara Bush is grappling with right now.
But there are steps you can take before and after a death to help process such a painful experience, grief experts say — and the first is give yourself the right to feel any emotion, from sadness over a lost opportunity to say goodbye to anger over how a loved one died.
The former first family announced on Sunday that Bush, 92, decided to stop seeking medical care for complications related to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.
CLOSE Former President George H. W. Bush and former first lady Barbara Bush have been married longer than any other presidential couple. Their love story began long before they became America's first family. USA TODAY
“One of the best things is to grieve and mourn, and to allow yourself to feel the feelings,” said Antonietta Corvasce, a licensed professional counselor in Washington, D.C., who specializes in grief and loss. “The reality is you’re going to miss your loved one, you’re saying goodbye, and of course that’s sad and that’s hard. Allow yourself to feel that.”
The grieving process often starts before the death. So it can be difficult to balance the preparation for loss while not experiencing it yet: a phase mourning experts call the “anticipatory grief process.” During this time, you can create a support system of trusted individuals who will empathize with what you’re enduring and who will listen, Corvasce said.
More: Former first lady Barbara Bush, wife and mother of presidents, declines medical treatment
More: Jenna Bush Hager gets emotional about grandmother Barbara Bush: 'She's in great spirits'
What’s most important, she said, is outwardly expressing internal emotions.
This is key, Corvasce said, because there’s a tendency for family and friends to seize control over end-of-life plans, which can dishonor the deceased.
“Really hear what they are saying to you and listen to what they want,” she said. “It’s important not to impose what we want on them.”
Sometimes death creates conflicting feelings, especially in circumstances of a strained relationship. Corvasce recommends journaling, participating in grief groups and attending therapy to help you untangle a web of emotions.
Sam Hodges, executive producer of GriefShare, a nationwide and seminar-based grief group, says his experts focus on assisting participants through the “firsts”: The first time a wife takes out the garbage, a chore normally done by her husband; the first time a daughter sees her mother’s favorite cereal brand at the grocery store; the first time a family experiences a holiday tradition without a grandparent.
Fellow group members can help normalize your pain, he said.
“When you get around people who say, ‘I have gone through the same thing,’ that can be very helpful and encouraging,” he said. “Especially if you find someone who has experienced a similar loss.”
Try to make amends with any unsettled differences with your loved one, Hodges advised. Saying you're sorry for a past wrong, watching a favorite movie together or enjoying one final trip to a favorite spot can help alleviate the pain after someone dies, he said.
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